Hackers Heaven

By Andrew Penner

According to that great philosopher Happy Gilmore, “Golf requires goofy pants and a fat a$$.” Although these are very wise words, the notable omission in his enlightened proclamation is the absence of some sort of “skill” requirement. And this is important. Why? Because many people who play the game don’t actually have all that much of it. But this is good. Because hackers – even in a place like Kamloops, which is known for its world-class golf courses – still need to find their “happy place.” 

Yes, I suppose if we were all scratch players capable of belting Bubba-like bombs and carving otherworldly shots at will over towering trees and unruly gorse, there would be no need for 120-yard par-3s with grand, flat-as-a-pancake greens, now would there? The players of the game – that is, all of us –  would scoff at 320-yard par-4s and sub-500-yard par-5s. What a mockery, a complete sham, those puny little annoyances would be. 

But, alas, apparently we might actually – due to our woeful ineptitude, I concede – collectively appreciate the odd “wee” test. And when I use the word “wee” I mean it with much vigour. The shorter the better. Personally, my ideal hole would have negative yardage.

Width, of course, is also very appealing. And when I say “width,” I mean the kind of width that will happily comfort and cradle a bloodcurdling banana ball of the most sinister proportions. One that curves so far right it’s not actually advisable to be left of it. Do you hear me on this point?

But, alas, apparently we might actually – due to our woeful ineptitude, I concede – collectively appreciate the odd “wee” test. And when I use the word “wee” I mean it with much vigour. The shorter the better. Personally, my ideal hole would have negative yardage.

Width, of course, is also very appealing. And when I say “width,” I mean the kind of width that will happily comfort and cradle a bloodcurdling banana ball of the most sinister proportions. One that curves so far right it’s not actually advisable to be left of it. Do you hear me on this point?

Alright, so you’ve probably gathered that I dig easy golf holes. Making birdies and pars is way more fun than making octuples. At least, this is my personal take on the matter. You might feel otherwise. But I haven’t actually heard of too many people who like to lose nine balls on a hole and card a double octo. (In case you’re trying to do the math on that, I believe that would be sixteen shots over par on a hole.)   

Thankfully, while the golf courses in Kamloops are absolutely spectacular (and, yes, some are known to dish a little challenge, every course in the collection also has what many golfers would refer to as “breather” holes. These, I surmise, are holes where suffering unsavoury issues like brain aneurysms, heart failure, esophageal spasms, and other afflictions that can hinder respiratory function, are quite rare. Ha, and you thought the term “breather” was merely a trite-and-polite metaphor.    

So, moving on, here are some of my personal favourite “hacker friendly” holes in Kamloops. Banana balls, shanks, duffs, tops, smother hooks, whiffs, skulls, and heel-side clanks are most welcome. 

Sun Peaks Golf Course, Hole 16, Par 4, 299 yards – Besides being the highest golf hole in BC (yes, the view is sublime), you can basically cold-top your drive here and still have a sandwedge to the green.

The Dunes at Kamloops, Hole 2, Par 5, 420 yards – Any par 5 at this yardage is a friend of mine! Although the elevated green isn’t exactly a piece-of-cake to hit, even medium-length hitters have a chance to get home in two here.

Tobiano, Hole 15, Par 3, 127 yards – While the beauty on this lakeside hole is off the charts, this is definitely the best chance for a hacker to have a hallelujah moment. Not only is the hole short, but anything hit right of the stick could easily funnel back onto the green and get close to the stick. 

Rivershore Golf Links, Hole 4, Par 5, 467 yards – An inviting fairway, a slightly downhill flow, a large green. Hmmm. I can usually avoid a quadruple quint on this baby. 

Bighorn Golf & Country Club, Hole 12, Par 4, 335 yards – Thanks to the big hill to the right of the fairway, which keeps balls in play, and a big green that accepts a run-up shot, this hole is a green-light special for weekend warriors.

Eaglepoint Golf Resort, Hole 14, Par 5, 430 yards – The right strategy here is to slam back a shooter on the tee, grab your big stick, hammer it down the middle, hit a high-flying mid-iron onto the green, then tap in your five-footer for eagle. You should be able to do this blindfolded. 

Kamloops Golf & Country Club, Hole 14, Par 4, 296 yards – Ok, so this hole is narrow, has deep rough, and the green is kinda small and nasty. But, still, it’s under 300 yards from the whites. Can’t be all bad, right?

Talking Rock Golf Course, Hole 17, Par 4, 265 yards – So many options! Lay-up like a chicken? Go for broke? If you can avoid the pits of doom on your drive, a birdie chance isn’t out of the question.

Of course, regardless how many septuple bogeys you’ve scribbled on your card, as long as you’re golfing in Kamloops, you’re going to come out a winner. So the final tip is this: get your rear end, regardless of its size, into a pair of goofy pants and hit the links!